My head hurts and my heart aches

There is too much on my mind at the moment

I feel that University has really changed my views about the world - yes a very cliché thing to say but it seriously has. I know for sure that this changed has been powered by the fact that I decided to become vegan just before I went to university because being vegan has made me a much more compassionate person and it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I have never felt so passionate about so many things and I have never been such a conscious person. Conscious in the sense that I am so aware of my surroundings, not just my immediate surroundings or the situation that I am in one point in time but of the larger surroundings i.e. the World.

I have never thought so much about how lucky I am to be able to live how I chose to live rather than to be restricted by poverty, disease or injustice.

I have never thought so much about how there are so many bad things in this world that need change, and that it is so frustrating that the change an individual wants to make seems so insignificant to the larger problem and sometimes you feel so helpless and that is ok.

I have never thought so much about how it is so sad that when we were younger, we all thought that love lasts forever, and that when two people tell each other that they love the other, they will never fall apart. But of course we were wrong.

I have never reminded myself so much to accept the fact that even though people know that what they are doing is wrong, they will continue to do it anyway and there is nothing I can do about it.

I have been swarmed by such thoughts constantly and it more often than not makes me feel sad, angry, frustrated, helpless and insanely stressed. My eyes often well up just thinking about it. I get annoyed at myself for having such intense thoughts because of the way they make me feel, but I also tell myself it is good to have these reminders because I need to be grateful and use the best of my abilities to do good and make a difference (again cliché but I honestly feel so strongly about this). I want to live a life that is of use to others - inspired by Angelina Jolie in her acceptance speech for the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

I find it strange yet intriguing how I only just started to care so much about the world beyond myself. For 18 years of my life, all my worries were about my grades, my health, my social life, my family - everything was about me, and suddenly I see the greater picture.

Talking about love - In the period I have been in University, I have witnessed so many failed relationships amongst adults. Why can't two people who have loved each other before just continue to love each other forever? How can it be that everything used to be so happy and now just not? and of course I will never understand this because I have never been in a serious relationship before and have never felt been conflicted between a choice and a commitment when it comes to loving a person and so I tell myself to try to understand the two people who have fallen out of love and reasons why they have done so. But honestly, it is just so difficult and I just want some fairygodmother to come and put a spell on them so that they can love each other again.

Kudos to my 19 year old self for being such a deep thinker about all these issues. Sometimes I feel that I think too much and am making myself unnecessarily stressed out about trying to single handedly solve all these problems. But I am glad that university has shaped me into the person that I am today and it's so weird thinking that if I had done anything different, I may not have had all these thoughts.

On a positive note as I like to end my posts on, I feel like for once I kinda have my life sorted in the sense that I am doing a work experience in the bakery in Harrods (which I am loving) and I am also going to be doing an internship in Sustainable food systems over the summer! I am so excited for my internship because it is something that I am very interested in and feel immensely passionate about. I am also seeing my mother in 10 days and going home in 22 days!! I cannot wait !!!!